Mid-Summer Advice

Ice cream can improve any mood. The noises in the attic are squir­rels in the day and rats at night — not demons or ghosts. Fans are cheaper than com­pres­sors. Few peo­ple have ever died in the shade. Water­melon is one of God’s best ideas. Global warm­ing beats severe global cool­ing any day. Dog days are always bet­ter than Polar Bear days. Move slower. You will save your heart and get fewer speed­ing tick­ets. A cou­ple of dry days will allow you to pro­cras­ti­nate mow­ing for nearly a week. Dress one size up. If you are a medium, wear a large. If you are large, wear extra large. If you are extra large, togas are com­ing back in style. Jog­ging sea­son ends in your late thir­ties. Light­ning storms are cheaper than fire­works, and you do not have to fight an out­door crowd to see the show. For most small kids a sprin­kler is as good as an Olympic size pool. Noc­tur­nal ani­mals have it right — sleep in the day then move around at night. Clouds are like your prayers — the more the bet­ter. One piece of candy left in your car will endear you to ants for weeks at a time. Keep the car free of any­thing that even hints of sugar. Sooner or later, annoy­ing youth go back to school, jail, the mil­i­tary, or even find a job. Time and real­ity take care of just about every­thing, if you have a lit­tle patience. Do not worry about them, you were worse at the same age if you dig into your mem­ory a lit­tle deeper. Don’t be so crit­i­cal of them. Look­ing good in a bathing suit has noth­ing to do with get­ting to heaven. Victoria’s Secret is that you can’t wear that stuff after age twenty-two with­out pass­ing out from try­ing to suck in your stom­ach. The stars of Bay­watch are now grand­par­ents. Every­body ages. Get over it. Buy com­fort­able shoes. Loosen your tie. Leave the suit jacket at work. The cooler in your car does not use more fuel on full blast.

Do these things and you will live.